Fat man: big, fat, chubby

It’s official: I’m fat. I stopped denying it when the button popped off a pair of shorts, leaving me with only two pairs that still fit. It became a problem when, 15 minutes before a first meeting with a new client, I stood and the button on my pants popped off. I had to safety pin it to my belt. I am, unquestionably, what my kids call me: a big fat chubby.

I ride my bike and my thighs pattycake my belly. Shave my beard and lose my chin. Take my shirt off and lose my waistband. If this keeps up my stomach will eclipse my netherregions into furry shadow, a total eclipse of my part.

I can't believe this is a merchandise line

Women of a certain mentality call this a “dickie-do”, when your belly hangs out farther than your dickie-do.

My license still lists my weight at 155. I was 21. That was almost 30 goddamn pounds ago. And I’m still trying to fit into the same sizes. Denial runs thick. Actually, it rose over the swollen sandbags of fat until I had to buy a pair of jeans one size higher, from 32 to 33, for the first and—what I promised to be—last time in my adult life.

Like baldness and the disappearance of that Costco-sized bag of chips, fat doesn’t happen instantaneously; it’s a slow and gradual disgust. There’s the picture you see of yourself, a candid shot where you’re having fun and uninhibited, the rare ones that capture the true undeniable you in all your fat youness, and you have to stop because you feel the 1o years of neglect slapping your neck fat like a gizzard, pushing at your waistband like rising dough. Like catching your reflection in a storefront window and smoothing down your shirt only to find those aren’t wrinkles they are rolls.

Big. Fat. Chubby.

In the old comparatively impoverished days, one would look at a fat man with envy, because fat meant wealth and means. Fat comes with a sense of entitlement, as if it has been earned, a privilege to eat the world, a self-indulgent luxury.

My newfound me was amusing at first, like a gross party trick. But I’ve gained 20 pounds since I turned 30, since I got married, had kids, and limited the frequency of being an irresponsible goofball. I’ve stopped bartending and having late nights, when food is inconsequential. I have a routine now more in line with the typical mealtimes of the day, have cereal with the kids, and munchkins too, lunch, dinner, but the worst part is the end of the day, that two hour window when the kids are in bed and my metime includes stuffing my face full of pretzels and chips to stay awake.

I’m not obese: but I could lose a couple, ten, twenty. I’m still active, I work out once or twice a week, yet incrementally, late at night, I fatten. It’s work to stay fit. It’s more work to be fat. Even my mild expansion has saddled me with added ecological, economic, and health costs. From tying my shoes to stuffing myself into clothes, the fat makes things harder. If this keeps up, I’m going to have to go clothes shopping, which I loathe more than being fat.

I have a bet with my dad to lose 7% of bodyweight by his 70th birthday in October. I plan on winning. Counting calories. Corking my gaping maw. In the meantime I have to learn how to sew buttons.

Advertisements

, ,

  1. #1 by Lynni on 08/12/2011 - 10:25 AM

    That was beyond the funniest thing I ever read. Eric says, “Welcome to the club.” He thought he had a terrible stomachache, and then finally changed to his pants with the elastic top and suddenly felt better. Seems like all I do is sew buttons on his shorts and I keep trying to move the buttons over as far a possible. It took a major operation for me to lose weight, which included getting both my knees whacked so it was too much effort to get to the food, and being too nauseous from the pain meds to eat. Now I think I have to have this operation done again at least once a year to keep the weight off. Eric has a tee shirt from a restaurant that says, “If it’s good for you it’s not worth eating.” Sure is some kind of very cruel joke that all the stuff that really tastes good gives us a “dickie-do.”

  2. #2 by Lipo Slim on 04/24/2013 - 3:44 AM

    Ahaa, its pleasant conversation regarding this piece of writing
    at this place at this webpage, I have read all that, so at this time
    me also commenting here.

  3. #3 by Loss weight now on 06/15/2013 - 11:36 AM

    Hey there I am so grateful I found your weblog, I really found you by mistake,
    while I was researching on Bing for something else, Regardless I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a tremendous post and a all round interesting blog (I
    also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read through it all at the moment but I have
    book-marked it and also added in your RSS feeds, so
    when I have time I will be back to read a lot more,
    Please do keep up the superb b.

  4. #4 by Best Way To Lose Weight - Fast Weight Loss on 07/11/2013 - 1:07 PM

    Commonly I really don’t examine write-up about sites, on the other hand need to express that this write-up pretty pressured me personally to take a look in and also take action! Your current composing tastes may be surprised everyone. Many thanks, fairly pleasant content.

  5. #5 by denture fort worth on 10/06/2013 - 6:08 PM

    I am not sure whhere you are getting your info, buut great
    topic. I needs to spend some tkme learning more or understanding more.
    Thanks for excellent info I was looking for this information for my
    mission.

  6. #6 by affordable dentures on 10/07/2013 - 2:11 AM

    I blpg often aand I seriously appreciate your content.
    Your article has truly peaked mmy interest. I’m going to
    take a note of your site and keep checking for new details about once a week.
    I subscribed to your RSS feed as well.

  7. #7 by dentures on 10/07/2013 - 5:39 AM

    Right here iis the right web siute for anybody who would like to
    understand this topic. You realize so mucxh its
    almost hard to argue wioth you (not that I actually would want
    to…HaHa). You certainly put a new spin
    on a subject that’s been discussed for years. Wonderful stuff, just excellent!

  8. #8 by how to lose Belly fat on 10/08/2013 - 7:33 PM

    I am genuinely glad to glance at thiis web site posts which carries lots of useful
    facts, thanks for providing these data.

  9. #9 by Imogen on 10/12/2013 - 10:18 PM

    What’s up, just wanted to mention, I liked this post. It was practical.
    Keep on posting!

  10. #10 by Genevieve on 10/24/2013 - 12:52 PM

    Right here is the right site for anyone who would like
    to find out about this topic.You reralize so much its almost hard to argu with you
    (not that I really would want to…HaHa). You certainly put a
    brand new spin on a topic which has been written about for years.
    Excellent stuff, just wonderful!

  11. #11 by Douglas on 11/04/2013 - 7:09 PM

    First offf I want to say excellent blog! I had a quic question which I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
    I was curious to find out how you center yourself and clea youhr mind before writing.
    I have had a difficult time clearing my mind in getting my thoughts out.

    I do take pleasure in writing butt iit just sdems like the
    first 10 to 15 minutes are generally lost
    just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or hints?
    Maany thanks!

  12. #12 by stomach fat exercises on 06/11/2014 - 4:04 PM

    Thank you for sharing your info. I really appreciate your efforts and
    I will be waiting for your further post thanks once again.

  13. #13 by best air conditioning repair miramar fl on 09/20/2014 - 6:00 AM

    Great post. I was checking constantly this weblog and I’m impressed!
    Extremely useful info specifically the remaining phase :
    ) I deal with such info a lot. I was seeking this particular info for a long time.
    Thanks and best of luck.

  1. tree cutting service

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: