The most wonderful time of the year

It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year, when wishes are realized and dreams are crushed: this weekend, fantasy footballs fools will either make the playoffs or return to Sundays of decency. For those of you that don’t understand the allure of fantasy football, allow me to repost a message and its subsequent comments from my league:

After three months of hustling and obsessing, alienating lovers and scaring kids, shitting the bed and divining the waiver wire, it all comes down to this Sunday. The #1 seed is not locked up and only one team is eliminated from the playoff picture (though Cream would have to score 300 pts to have a chance–any given Sunday, right?), which leaves a heated field with mediocre teams subject to the caprice of the NFL scheduling gods. 3 Stax of Parity: cheers to the commish, who can craft a league easier than he can craft a sentence.
Here’s the playoff picture as I see it:
Asian Invasion: a win guarantees him the # 1 seed and a bye.
a loss, and wins by Dirty Pirate Hookers(DPH) and Above the Law, drop him to #3 seed based on current points.
a loss and a loss by either DPH or Law gives Asian the #2 seed and a bye.
Dirty Pirate Hookers(overall points leader): a win and losses by Law and Asian gives him the #1 seed; a win with an Asian win gives him #2 seed; this is similar scenario with LAW, except he’s gotta make up 38 pts to surpass DPH in the case they both win.
a loss by both puts them both in the mix; they’re guaranteed a playoff spot. DPH plays Ramrod, and though he started 4pick Young, he’s still a favorite for the #2 seed.
Ramrod: ah, yes, the curious case of Ramrod. Was it four or five weeks ago that RR’s unprovoked gloating tarnished the nobility of our fine league? Either way, I feel ok speaking for us all in celebrating RR’s 4 game shit slide. Still, a win by RR of more than 28 points, and a loss by LAW, gets Dickbags–I mean Ramrod–the #2 seed.

No, dear reader, it is not the juveinille and perverted names–like Cream of Some Yung Guy–that makes fantasy fun, nor is it the cash prize at the end (though we shant discount its driving force); it is the trash talking amongst friends, a battle of wits and an opportunity to make shit of a buddy for something completely arbitrary. Like this:

Playoff Prediction:
Asian tears an ACL after the bye- 3rd place
DPH faces the return of Miles Austin in the bye and sees the end of Lorainne Robinson and her golden horseshoe. McFadden returns too, and out of confusion he starts them both: 4th place
Ramrod will break his ego: 6th place
Law rides the Forte train into 2nd Place. Go Bears!
The Polish, relying entirely on Stafford, competes, but like the Lions, ultimately misses the playoffs.
Phantasm, riding the coattails of Seattle’s DST, holds off a resilient and resurgent Lil Caddy, making the playoffs then losing abruptly when Turner and Peterson are out simultaneously. Or is that this week? Right, ok, he’s out, so Polish gets 5th place.
Mousecock moosecocks himself yet again, his bench outscoring his starters, and a whine of “I’m always getting dicked” reverberates throughout Chicagoland on a cold, cold day in Lombard.
Cream finally unloads.
Lil Caddy explains his name.
The Mark Super Dupers, after a brilliant midseason reorganization, finds his receiving core consistently playing up to its potential and Orlovsky and Rodgers relying on an upstart overachieving running game, and blessed by Tebow and God, wins the Super Bowl.

Of course, halfway through Fantasy Football DDay, these predictions are a bit off. But the comments are not.

DPH: U have got to be shiting me!

Mousecocks: I really wish you would have spent some time thinking bout this. And by the way, it’s moose, not mouse.

It goes on, of course. Good luck to those of you moving on. And to those haters, its almost over.